a mother and daughter should have an open relationship.

It seems to me that traditional Indian parents raise their children at a distance from reality. What I mean is they like to pretend to not know the issues kids face as they grow up. Whether they do that because they don't know what it's like to live in America and they don't know how to help, or they just don't want to face those problems, I don't know. I think my case is a little more extreme than others' because my Mom was brought up in a very conservative environment. She wasn't necessarily held back or anything, but she came out this uptight, no expectations, no desires, no thinking outside the box, no risk kinda person. She just sticks to what she knows, and if I dare to dabble in anything outside of it (which is everything a normal person would do), she will have something negative to say about it.

Examples? Her and I have always had a disconnect. She never talked to me about growing up, or being a girl. In fact, I don't really think she realizes what it is to be a girl. She only knows the things that woman shouldn't do. Yea, that's just been great for me. I had to beg to shave, to wear nail polish, to sleepover at a friend's house. All of these things were taboo to her, even when all of my friends were already doing them. She was lucky though, I was and am a rebel, but not such a rebel that I went completely crazy when I got a taste of freedom. She did raise me right in that sense. She did instill in me to respect family, but it has become more of a curse than anything else right now. There's that fear that I talked about in my earlier post. It really hinders my life experiences.

I'm really tired of having to pretend like I have no emotions. That's why I lay low at home, and try not to say too much, because God knows, there will be something wrong with it. I wish I could have a more open relationship with her. She always asks, oh why don't you tell me things? It's a simple answer - she won't understand or like the things I have to say, so why say them and cause more arguments? She already probably thinks I'm a whore who brings shame on the family. Lying, or just not mentioning things, seems to lessen the conflict. At this age, it's time for a mother and daughter to accept their differences, and just discuss and move on. She continues to try to change me and mold me into her. I don't know when she will realize that won't happen.

Of course, one subject that was never spoken of was boys. Even now, it's like she expects me to not have feelings like that. She has even said "we don't encourage those feelings." So what, I'm supposed to be inhuman? A robot? It really baffles me how I am supposed to have a relationship with someone who wants to suppress my feelings, and doesn't understand me at all. It's like talking to a wall. Anything I say about my views on dating, marriage, religion, friends, traveling - they all conjure the same response. "We don't do that. That's not our custom." Screw "our custom." There is no our anymore. It's my custom that's in the making. And let me tell you, it's already very different from her 17th century thinking. Of course, I do hold onto some things from "our" culture, but not all by any means.

What I hope to see is the annihilation of this disconnect between parents and children. I know for a fact that our generation will do a better job of this. I do hope that as our parents' generation gets older, they realize that being ashamed of these differences won't make them disappear. If they could just accept that their children have different, yet respectable, lifestyles, maybe everyone would be happier.